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Feb 1, 2004
secrets and lies and inevitable truth

ohhhhhh, boy. 

so andy seems to have an allergy to using the phone when it requires him to dial.  he talks forever, but doesnt call much.  i dont want to call all the time.  so this week i was feeling kind of spiteful.  i dont want him to underestimate the good thing he has.  so when i talked to him on friday, he was saying how he doesnt have alot of time and that during my vacation, he might go to ogunquit (where we met) to relax and escape everything around here.  now, i dont care so much that he needs to relax.  i understand that.  but does he want to get away from me too?  im not expecting him to take me with him or anything (though i dont think id mind), but at least we could hang out once during my break. 

therefore, last night made me want to get out.  i wasnt seeing him, so i intended to have fun without him.  not that thats difficult.  plans shifted around and i ended up going out with this guy ive known for a few years.  were actually really close; we talk really openly to each other and have an understanding sort of relationship.  in fact, two guys had asked me to go out with them last night, one, an unpleasant blast from the past who apparently doesnt know when to quit (so its not like he was even an option).  so i went out with blake.

blake is a really good friend, but he's also talked about having a physical relationship - sans emotional attachment.  not that that bothers me;  im not exactly attracted to him nor am i looking for something with him after all i know about him - he's a very sexual person.  so last night, i was really frustrated and agreed to meet him at the middle school right near my house when he called.  we met in the parking lot.  i got into his 2004 explorer his dad was letting him use and we talked.  in fact, thats mostly what we did.  but weve talked about things so many times before that i felt guilty not doing anything with him, and at the time, i was still wanting to forget about andy for a while.  and i did.  blake drove around to a secluded spot and we moved to the backseat, where it started.  i laid down the rules and told him that i would only go so far - so he told me to go ahead and go.  so i gave blake head but told him he couldnt reciprocate.   too personal for me.  we talked more afterwards, and i asked for an honest critique, which i received happily, knowing i could get one from him.  then a little while later, he couldnt take it anymore and he was going to masturbate, but then he asked me to take my clothes off, which i did very reluctantly, and he fingered me.  i cant say i didnt like it.  i sucked him off again and that was pretty much it.  he only tried to kiss me once during the whole thing and i wasnt even enjoying it.  no kissing.  this was purely physical.  no emotional pretenses. 

oddly enough, i didnt, nor do i feel guilty.  its hard to when you know your boyfriend has had ten partners before you.  but it actually helped me realize that having a physical relationship is infinitely better when you (dare i say) love the person youre with.  i knew, then, that i could never have the relationship i have with andy with blake, nor would i want to.  andy pushes all the right buttons when it comes to those things.  and just like he had said about me, id be miserable without him right now.  im so much more comfortable and relaxed with andy.  despite all the things that i say i dislike about him, there are more redeeming qualities.  and now i cant wait to see him again just so i can have that comfortable feeling with him.

Posted at 12:25 am by deeliteful
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Jan 27, 2004
conflicted

Since this is my unknown journal, the one that never keep up with, i feel comfortable writing down what i cant anywhere else.  i am in an utter and complete mess.

the first thing coming to mind is the fact that a friend of mine has started to drive me crazy.  i dont know if hes always been that way and ive never known it or if its a recent development.  at any rate, his head has begun to swell.  he thinks hes some terrific writer, and in the beginning i agreed.  but he started reading my writing first (in the alternate journal).  interestingly enough, after that, much of his writing smacked of my own.  flattering, yet not enough to make me comfortable.  hes trying to get a bunch of his work published.  its decent but not good.  in fact, the more i see, the more i shudder.  i hate the stench of overwrought emotion that isnt there.  he tries to be deep and clever, but i just dont see it.  he seems very cocky and i cant take it.

second of all is another friend.  shes a really good close friend of mine.  but she seems to have forgotten that before she was second in our class, i was.  and even farther buried in her mind is the fact that for a good 3 years, i was first.  so in order to get to her little position, she had to beat me.  it seems she has forgotten this.  it annoys the hell out of me.  maybe it sounds like im making excuses but she did not have to deal with what i went through these past few years.  im proud im still in school.  of course, being me, i still have that drive to be first, but its a distant hope.  i console myself with my social life.  shes also sounding very pious lately...

which leads me to my 'boyfriend,' andy.  andy and i have been seeing each other for 6 months, nearing 7 so far.  i like him, and sometimes ive wanted to tell him i love him, but im not in love with him.  im not going to spend the rest of my life with him.  when were together, theres nothing else.  theres nowhere id rather be.  but theres a whole list of things against him.  first of all, hes nine years older than i am, which really isnt a problem for me.  but he smokes incessantly, as well as pot, he doesnt have a very good job.  he swears all the time (which i blame my dirty mouth on) and generally is the opposite in my morals.  hes not a good influence on me.  but its not like ive really succumbed to his influence nor does he really pressure me.

but then comes my last point.  i always thought that i was going to wait to have sex.  originally, it was until marriage.  then i decided at least until i fell in love.... and had been dating at least a year.  but now im not sure at all.  why not now?  why not him?  i have no convictions.  maybe hes affecting me more than i admit.   in actuality, id be ok not having sex right now, but after last weekend, i dont think hes intending to wait.  you see, on friday night i went to his house.  ive made it quite clear of my position on sex and hes been really respectful, promising never to pressure me or do anything without my consent.  and up to that point, hed been true to his word.  now, that doesnt mean we havent done everything but.  but on friday night, andy tried to have sex with me.  its not that i didnt have the power to say no when he started to, i just didnt want to say no.  but he hadnt looked for my consent.   so after that, even though at first he had thought i wasnt a virgin anymore, we straightened things out.  somehow i dont think next time hes going to stop when hes halfway there.  its not to say that he would do it even after i told him no, but now i guess i really cant be sure.  in the moment, im not so sure i want to say no.  but here i am again, within 4 days of being on the borderline of having sex and he doesnt call, nor does he call back when he says he will.  but that doesnt mean there arent times when hes wonderful.  sometimes he calls out of the blue just to say that hes thinking about me and that he had to hear my voice.   im torn between wanting to drop him altogether and starting fresh or giving myself to him.  theres so much rationalization going on in my head, i cant decide anymore.

theres a wedding coming up in april for a girl at work that ive been invited to.  me and a guest.  i wasnt sure about asking andy.  theres a party a few weeks before that, too.  but besides that, hes always busy with his new band, which is very demanding.  he told me he might be going to savannah during the summer.   on friday night, my usual night to see him, another girl i used to work with invited me to a girls-only party for her friend.  she said they might have a sex toy demonstration (kinda like a tupperware party).  drinking and cards, etc.   i dont know if i really want to go or not at all.  *sigh*

decisions arent my thing.

Posted at 10:55 pm by deeliteful
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Nov 13, 2003
tears of july

back again so soon?  how bout i redirect you to my other blog: my meandering mind.  that should do it.

i think i prefer the lack of layout.  it seems rather befitting.  life inchoate.

i dont know that its any use updating here.  perhaps ill simply reproduce my other journal here.  maybe excerpts. 



there are few things so good as feeling rain trickling down in wreckless paths over sultry, sticky, summer skin.  in the middle of the night its yours.  just yours.  each drop meant for your personal ecstasy.  so you could stand there, barefoot on the grass, and the grass would slide cleanly underfoot as you closed your eyes and tilted back your neck, drinking in the depth of a rainy night.

and in the infancy of night, the gaze upon the starless sky is all your own.  the rain baptizes the senses.  never has the grass felt so fresh and the air slide so readily down your throat.  never has your skin been so intensely and acutely sentient to every whim of the breeze which is only intensified by the hospitality of wanton raindrops.  each one clings to you, begging you to melt away with
them.  to creep down into nothingness. 

and suddenly, youd give anything to go, too. 

(L. Nelson; July 28, 2003)

Posted at 06:37 pm by deeliteful
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Sep 22, 2003
childhood at 80

hell, she makes me so mad.  cant she see what shes doing to my mother?  cant she see what shes doing?? no of course not.  shes just a child running to her parents in the night with a bad dream.  shes so selfish.  i hate it.  it hurts me.  and it hurts my mom.  whos supposed to help her?

my poor mother.  shes so tired.  i can hear the weariness and the unsureness in her voice.  and i can hear that any minute shes going to cry.  and damnit, why is this our responsibility?!  

and why am i always the one to cry?

damn it all to hell.

Posted at 10:58 pm by deeliteful
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Sep 20, 2003
you better you better you bet

(the who)

i really dont have time for this now but its never stopped me before.  and thus it begins.

sickness is invading me and my battlements could use some fortification.  no more bloodwork! *shudder*  but hey, meds are nice.  i like em.  no more fever. 

a little rough on my legs today though.  standing hostessing for 6 hours didnt help the swelling.  not a bad night, overall.  went with jen after work for a frostie.  a little indulgence for the weekend.  what i wouldnt give for a massage....

called andy tonight after work... then called him some names when he didnt pick up.  much to my chagrin, he called me later, explaining that he was on the phone with his dad and that hed been in the hospital (*gasp!*) for a week.  ok, ill take that excuse.  unfortunately, talking to him made me miss him.   (and it doesnt help that girls at work are always talkin bout their guys...)

it makes me uncomfortable to miss him.  more analysis of that sure to come.

now i am extremely fatigued.

good night, gorgeous.  

(ill be fixing the layout soon if time allows...)

Posted at 12:12 am by deeliteful
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